The Amazing Weyard Race!
by TheNinthCircleofHell
Summary: It’s the Amazing Race, Golden Sun Style! Watch as eleven teams race around Weyard for the Grand Prize! Introducing the excessively violent Hydros, the typically perverted Kraden, the motherly Dullahan and many, many more! -Crack-
1. Leg 1: Sol Sanctum Ruins: Part 1

I _should_ be trying to update other fics, but hey, when I want to write crack, I write crack. It's been a while since I've updated anything properly, so now I'm doing the responsible thing: opening up another massive multi-chapter fic.

Anyway, after reading Hoogiman's 'The Amazing Smashy Race' series in the Smash Bros section (unbelievably, hilariously, amazingly funny), I decided I'd make a Golden Sun version. Remember, this is based off his fic, so lots 'o' credit to goes to him.

Disclaimer: I don't own Golden Sun or the Amazing Race. Nor do I own the computer I typed this on or the house I live in. It's depressing.

* * *

Leg One- The Sol Sanctum ruins to Goma Cave (Part 1)

_The Amazing Weyard Race. This is the race where eleven teams will race around Weyard for the Grand Prize of one million gold coins! Now introducing your host, The Wise One!_

"Hello, hello, and welcome to our first episode of the Amazing Weyard Race! I'm standing here at the Sol Sanctum Ruins with eleven other teams who are all pumped up and ready to go!" exclaimed the Wise One, floating above the sunken mountain. "In this race, loyalties will be tested, friendships will be broken and many hardships will be faced. This race is truly an once-in-a-lifetime experience."

"Now without further ado, let's introduce our teams!"

**Team 1  
Hsu and Feizhi  
Martial Arts Students**

"So how do you two think you'll go?"

"Well," said Hsu. "With our many years of training under Master Fei, we-"

"You're fat," stated Feizhi.

"-should have no problems holding our place on the top," Hsu ploughed on, ignoring Feizhi.

"And I mean really, _really _fat," Feizhi continued on, regardless to the lack of attention. "Being that wide isn't natural; you should be dead."

"We're here together to win this and take the prize money to help Master Fei expand his school as a way of thanking him," continued Hsu. "There's no way we can lose!"

"Why couldn't I go with Isaac?" Feizhi sighed.

Hsu turned to face her. "Why do you always bring up Isaac? What does he have that I don't?"

"He's not grotesquely overweight, unlike you. How do you even manage to walk around?"

Hsu broke down into tears.

**Team 2  
Garet and Ivan  
Friends**

"What about the two of you? Do you think that during the race you'll be able to stay on top?" asked the Wise One.

"What's a race?" asked Garet.

Ivan turned to Garet. "It's okay Garet, let me do the talking."

"Okay!" exclaimed Garet happily.

"Well, with our mixture of brains and brawn, that prize money is practically ours."

"Does it worry you that in a recent IQ test, Garet only managed to score a total of 17 points?"

"I don't believe that'll be an issue... right Garet?"

They looked at Garet.

He stared back at them blankly. "Erm... right Garet?"

Garet scratched his head and pointed at himself questioningly.

Ivan nodded.

Garet smiled happily. "My name's Garet!"

"We've got no chance..." Ivan sobbed.

**Team 3  
Jenna and Kraden  
Charity Volunteers**

"So you two are here to help raise awareness of Weyard's new Charity organisation, right?

"Yes!" exclaimed Jenna passionately. "I think that it's disgusting how so many people in this world have to struggle just to eat while others live in luxury. It's just sickening! All the prize money will be used to help further this worthy organisation. But really, it's you, the people of Weyard, who this group stands for! So please, donate now and-"

The Wise One glared at her. "Don't advertise on my show."

"Sorry."

"Anyway, Kraden, what sparked your interest in volunteer work?"

"Hmm? Ah.... the poor starving souls in Weyard... they need our help... yes..." Kraden muttered absently while his eyes traced the outline of Jenna's body.

"Oh yes, she's perfect.... they're all wrong.... I'm not too old for her. What she needs is a mature, experienced man like me to-"

"... I can hear you" the Wise One stated.

"SHE'S MINE! STAY AWAY FROM US!!"

Everyone stared at him.

**Team 4  
Hamma and Babi  
Authors**

The Wise One looked at Babi strangely. "Aren't you dead?"

"He was!" exclaimed Hamma. "However, during the time of death I had been reading his mind and I, in a sense, died with him while still being alive."

Babi spoke up. "It was then that, after experiencing all the truths one encounters in death, that Hamma pulled me back and cured me with the Lemurian Drought."

The Wise One looked at the pair of them sceptically. "Right... so what did you find out there?"

Hamma held out a book. "It's all right here in this- 'Life after Death: the Fourth Wall'

The Wise One stared at them.

"You know of the fourth wall?" it whispered.

Babi grinned "Oh yes, and we plan to use our knowledge of it to win this race."

"I wouldn't mess with it if I were you..."

"Bah! Watch me!"

**Team 5  
King Hydros and Piers  
Representatives of Royalty and Commoners Relations**

"So you two are from... Royalty and Commoners Relations?"

King Hydros nodded. "Indeed we are. All the money will be going towards our organisation. Furthermore, by using this show, we plan to send the message to the people of Weyard that monarchs in general are friendly, approachable people."

"Yes," continued Piers. "By working together, we- "

"QUIET, PEASANT! I WAS TALKING!"

Hydros punched Piers in the face. Piers recoiled, clutching his bleeding nose.

"I'm so sorry, my lord! I shall be more courteous next time!"

Hydros glared at him "You'd better! And no Plying, I want you to bleed! Now... where was I... by working together, we plan to prove how loving and tolerant we who are born into royalty really are!"

The Wise One glanced from Hydros smiling happily to Piers who was bleeding all over the grass.

"Okay... uh... good luck with that."

**Team 6  
Isaac and Mia  
Siblings**

The Wise One glanced at Isaac's blonde hair to Mia's blue. "That's strange... you guys don't look like you're family..."

"That's because we're not! We are a _couple_ and are not related in any way!"

"I think there was a mistake during the registration," Mia murmured.

The Wise One turned away. "Yeah, sure, whatever excuse you crazy kids want to use...."

"It's true!" Isaac shouted. "There was a mistake-"

"My registration doesn't lie!"

"There was a mistake, so change it!"

The Wise One rolled its eye.

"*cough* *cough* *incest!* *cough*"

"Change it, you sick-minded freak!"

"You're being repetitive!"

"YOUR FACE IS BEING REPETATIVE!"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! NINTHCIRLE, STOP USING THAT PATHETIC LINE!!"

The Wise One stared up at the sky. "YES, I BROKE THE FOURTH WALL! SMITE ME DOWN YOU EVIL SON OF A BITCH!"

The Wise One waited. No smiting was forthcoming. All the teams stared curiously.

"Lazy bastard..."

**Team 7  
Alex and Felix  
Social Outcasts**

"So how do you think you'll against the other teams?"

"Well," stated Alex. "With my underhanded, deceitful personality and Felix's ability to foster a sense of pity out of the other teams due to his pathetic life, this race is as good as won."

Felix stared at Alex. "So I'm just your emotional lever? I feel so used....."

Alex smiled. "Face it, Felix. As a child you were almost drowned, torn away from a home you never left and threatened into helping your captors with the lives of your parents. Oh yeah, _and_ you spent the last three years of your life with psychopaths like Menardi."

Felix broke down into tears.

"Awww," said Mia, who was watching on. "Let's give the poor thing a hug."

Alex smiled. This was going to be easy.

**Team 8  
Justin and Megan  
Abandoned Healing Students**

"Now what do a pair of children want with a million gold coins?"

"KILL MIA!!!" screamed the pair madly.

"Um... why?" asked the Wise One, taken aback by the children's unexpectedly violent words.

"SHE ABANBONDED US!" wailed Megan.

"SHE LEFT US TO CARE FOR AN ENTIRE VILLAGE!" screamed Justin.

"You guys didn't seem that angry at the time..."

"She drugged us before she told us she'd be leaving," hissed Justin.

The Wise One raised a metaphorical eyebrow and looked over at Mia, who had turned away innocently and had begun whistling.

Justin and Megan glared angrily at her.

**Team 9  
Kay and Saturos  
Gardeners**

"Ah, gardeners. Kay and.... WAIT, WHAT!?"

The Wise one looked strangely at Saturos.

"Menardi's surprisingly spongy body broke my fall!" exclaimed Saturos happily. "Now I can finally do what I've wanted to do for my entire life! Now I can garden to my heart's content!"

"Ain't he just the sweetest thing?" said Kay, cuddling Saturos. "He's been suppressed this entire time, and now he can finally express himself."

"Uh... right," said the Wise One, slowly backing away.

**Team 10  
Flint and Echo  
Djinn Alliance Representatives**

"Djinn use human currency?" asked the Wise One.

"Not really," said Echo. "We're from the Djinn Alliance and we're here to angst about the mistreatment of-"

"Not interested," stated the Wise One. "I've already heard from too many wack organisations. Next team!"

"Hey-"

**Team 11  
Dullahan and Sheba  
Mother and Daughter**

"Hi sweetie!" exclaimed the Wise One happily.

"Hey Daddy!" waved Sheba.

"Alright, I already know where the money's going to go but why don't you tell all the kind viewers anyway, honey?" asked the Wise One.

"We are all going to buy a large mansion and live out a happy family life away from normal mortals," echoed Dullahan in it's deep, monotonous voice.

"Yay!" cheered Sheba and the Wise One.

"Anyway, I'll be rooting for you!" declared the Wise One.

"And if you need any help, don't hesitate to ask," it added, whispering.

The filming crew looked over suspiciously at the Wise One.

**The Starting Line  
Sol Sanctum Ruins**

The Wise One pulled out a gun.

"Okay, when I fire, you must run to your designated bags and take your first clue. From there, it's entirely up to you how you proceed. Be sure to quickly reach every pit stop, as the last team to reach each one will be eliminated. The first team which crosses the final finish line will win the grand prize, one million gold coins!"

"Additionally, for this leg of the race you are given fifty coins to spend as you wish."

"Now," the Wise One continued. "Start lining up!"

The teams all lined up across the starting line. The tension was high. Cheesy theme music played.

"Ready............. Set.............."

There was a pause.

"GO!!!"

The Wise One shot Piers in the shin.

"OW!" screamed Piers. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?"

"My finger slipped," the Wise One blandly lied.

"YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE FINGERS!"

The Wise One shrugged.

.....

"YOU DON'T HAVE SHOULDERS EITHER!"

_Dullahan and Sheba  
Mother and Daughter  
Currently in 1st Place_

Sheba sat contently on Dullahan's back as Dullahan violently ploughed through the other contestants. She hopped off upon reaching the bags and the first clue.

She tore it open and read aloud, "You must now make your way into the Mayor's house in New Vale."

"Teams must now travel to New Vale and locate the Mayor's house, where they will find their next clue!" commentated the Wise One. "However, teams must be careful of the Valeans' horribly large and well-founded paranoia, which has possibly something to do with the decimation of their last town."

"Easy," boasted Sheba, hopping back on Dullahan's shoulders.

"Onwards!" she yelled, pointing out to the horizon. Dullahan galloped off into the sunset.

_Alex and Felix  
Social Outcasts  
Currently in 2nd Place_

"Hey, Felix, where did you guys build New Vale?" asked Alex innocently.

"Over there," Felix pointed.

"Oh good." Alex took out a large, wooden signpost and quickly carved 'New Vale, This Way' onto it and shoved it into the ground. He stood back to admire his handiwork.

"Nobody's going to fall for that," stated Felix.

Suddenly, Garet and Ivan ran up by.

"Hey Ivan, New Vale's that way!" exclaimed Garet, reading off the sign.

"Garet.... wait, NO!" Ivan yelled as Garet latched onto his wrist and began running off in the general direction of Prox.

Alex glanced over at Felix, grinning. "You were saying?"

_Justin and Megan  
Abandoned Healing Students  
Currently in 3rd Place_

"Justin, where was New Vale again?"

"I forget-" Justin began.

They ran past the signpost.

"That's convenient," he stated happily.

_Kay and Saturos  
Gardeners  
Currently in 3th Place_

"Bah, just keep running Saturos," muttered Kay, ignoring the signpost. "I know where my own house is."

"Okay."

_Isaac and Mia  
Siblings  
Currently in 4th Place_

"What the hell? Vale's that way," said Isaac, confused. He pulled out the sign and faced it in the right direction. "Jeez, these race designers are hopeless."

"I'll always know where your home is, Isaac," Mia whispered lovingly in his ear.

Isaac turned to face her, smiling. They shared a kiss. The cameraman stared strangely at the two, making choking noises.

Isaac angrily turned to face him. "We are _not_ family, damn it!"

The nameless cameraman rolled his eyes.

"Sure, whatever... do you enjoy your mum as well, kid?"

Isaac narrowed his eyes and began rolling up his sleeves. "Say that again..."

The cameraman left the camera on its stand and began to roll up his own sleeves.

He grinned. "Is your father also your uncle?"

"YOU'RE GOING DOWN!"

"Whatcha going to do, kid?" the cameraman remarked. "Everyone knows inbreds are... HOLY SHI-"

Isaac took him down.

_Isaac and Mia  
Currently in 8th Place_

"I win 'cause I'm the protagonist," said Isaac happily.

"Um, Isaac, almost all the teams have passed us," Mia pointed out.

"Not Piers and Hydros," replied Isaac.

_King Hydros and Piers__  
Representatives of Royalty and Commoners Relations  
Currently in 9th Place_

Piers slowly limped towards the clue, wincing with every step.

"Faster, slave!" bawled Hydros, sitting on Piers's shoulders.

"I'm trying my hardest, my lord!" whimpered Piers, still bleeding heavily out of his shin.

"I don't know what you peons do all day but to people of royal blood, time is precious. We have real things to accomplish!"

Piers managed a few more steps forward.

"I feel dizzy..." muttered Piers.

Hydros pulled out a taser and shoved it into Piers's spinal column.

"AHHH!"

Piers collapsed, twitching.

"Let that be a lesson to you, peasant!" said Hydros, folding his arms.

....

"Uh... Piers?"

_Hamma and Babi  
Authors  
Currently in 4th Place_

"You know," Babi said loudly to Hamma, "I think that the author is an incredible, intelligent person. So passionate, so understanding, I don't think there's a better person I'll ever know!"

"Yes!" continued Hamma equally as loudly. "I mean, he takes writing to a whole new level! I am honoured by the simple fact that I have been included into this incredible work of art!"

A pair of saddled horses calmly strode out of a nearby set of trees.

Babi and Hamma grinned as they hopped onto the horses.

"Idiot..." muttered Babi as they rose away.

The horses violently combusted.

_Hsu and Feizhi  
Martial Arts Students  
Currently in 5th Place_

"I'd have been in first place if I didn't have such a fat slob of a partner," Feizhi remarked.

"Why can we just get along?" asked Hsu angrily.

Feizhi rolled her eyes.

"Because you eat too much," she complained.

Hsu looked up at her, hurt. "It's not my fault! It's all genetics, my mother and father were- OH LOOK A CREAM BUN!"

Hsu dashed away.

Feizhi stared around angrily as Hsu rushed towards his prize.

"Okay, who the hell's fault was that!?"

_Jenna and Kraden  
Charity Volunteers  
Currently in 5th Place_

"Hehe...." giggled Jenna.

_Flint and Echo  
Djinn Alliance Representatives  
Currently in 7th Place_

"Damn these stubby legs!" complained Flint as he and Echo waddled slowly after the other teams.

_Dullahan and Sheba  
Mother and Daughter  
1st to New Vale_

"That was quick," remarked Sheba as Dullahan strode into town. "Now where's that-"

"AHH! A MONSTER!!" screamed a nearby Valean, pointing at Dullahan. Instantly a group of villagers began gathering around Sheba and Dullahan wielding torches and pitchforks.

"Umm, this is all a big misunderstanding..." began Sheba.

"SHE'S CONTROLLING IT!" a villager madly screamed.

"SHE'S A WITCH!"

"BURN HER!!"

The villagers grabbed her and began tying her to a stake.

"Why aren't you doing anything!?" Sheba shrieked at Dullahan.

"Violence gets you nowhere," suddenly stated Dullahan in a very motherly-like way.

"WHAT!?" screamed Sheba.

"I haven't been around you for very long, young lady, but now I'm seeing what a violent child Faran has raised you as. If you want someone to do something for you, you need to ask _nicely._" Dullahan explained, tenderly patting Sheba on the head.

"Okay..." sighed Sheba. She looked down at one of the villagers currently pouring kerosene over her. "Um, could you please not burn me?"

"No," he stated angrily.

"Oh..."

_Justin and Megan  
Abandoned Healing Students  
Currently in 10th Place_

"Hey, Garet, Ivan! How come you're travelling back the way we came?" asked Megan as a bloodthirsty Ivan stalked into view.

"Well, you see," Ivan growled. "I've just managed to convince Garet where his own house was located."

"My grandpa's the Mayor?" asked Garet.

"YES, IDIOT!"

"You don't have to be so mean, Ivan," Garet muttered.

"Just... shut...up..." responded Ivan and strode off.

Justin and Megan stared at each other.

"So..." Justin began.

"Vale's actually..." continued Megan.

Realisation struck.

"GODDAMMIT!"

_Alex and Felix  
Social Outcasts  
2nd into New Vale_

"Easy," muttered Alex, walking into Vale. He turned to Felix. "Now where did you say the Mayor's house was-?"

"AHH!! IT'S ALEX!!" screamed a nearby Valean. Instantly a group of villagers began gathering around Felix and Alex wielding torches and pitchforks.

"Yes Felix?" asked Alex, ignoring the angry mob.

"Uh, I think it was over there," pointed Felix, nervously looking at the angry group of Valeans.

"Okay!" stated Alex happily.

A path was cleared as various villagers were thrown out of the way.

Many screams and angry glares later, the pair was sitting in the mayor's home, sipping coffee.

"_Thank you_ for your hospitality, Mr. Mayor," Alex remarked.

"Oh, it's n-no problem Alex," stammered the Mayor, a drop of sweat running down his face. "Is there a-anything more I can do for you gentlemen?"

"Well, first off, how about you hand over the clue," asked Alex.

The Mayor reached into his coat, pulled out a plain envelope and handed it over to Felix.

"Thank you kindly," grinned Alex. "Felix, what does it say?"

Felix tore open the envelope and read, "Detour! Brains or Brawn?"

"Detour!" exclaimed the Wise One. "A detour is a choice between two tasks. This detour is 'Brains or Brawn'."

"In Brains, teams must head to the Vale Inn where they'll have to teach one of the local children in a subject randomly chosen by me. The children will then take a five-question multiple choice test. Teams will be given their next clue if the child answers all five questions correctly."

"The teams are free to take the test whenever they want, however if their pupil fails, they will suffer a ten minute penalty before being able to take the test again." The Wise One continued.

"In Brawn, teams must travel to the forests near the entrance of Vale to hunt down and fight five of Vale's elite guards. There may be many of them, but remember that Vale was the pathetic town that's response at the potential end of the world was to send out a pair of teenagers."

"Brawn," said Alex, cracking his knuckles.

"I figured you'd say that," groaned Felix.

_Jenna and Kraden  
Charity Volunteers  
Currently in 2nd Place_

Jenna and Kraden strode happily into Vale.

"We're making good time!" exclaimed Jenna. "For an old man, you're pretty fast."

"Just watching a pretty, young girl like you puts a spring in my step!" replied Kraden.

"Okay... thanks?" said Jenna, her danger senses tingling.

"My pleasure," grinned Kraden creepily.

They walked into the Mayor's house and Jenna took the clue.

"Brains or Brawn?" asked Jenna.

"Brains, definitely," responded Kraden. "I am a scholar after all."

_Dullahan and Sheba  
Mother and Daughter  
Currently in 3rd Place_

"Brains or Brawn?" asked Sheba.

"Brains, darling. How could you even consider violence as an option? I must really visit Faran at some point and give him a piece of my mind," complained Dullahan.

"If violence isn't the answer, why'd you try to _kill_ us all in the Anemos ruins!?"

"It was my job! Do you know how stingy my employers are!?" growled Dullahan.

"So you care more about your job than your own daughter? You're a horrible mother!" Sheba shouted angrily.

"I'M SORRY!!" wailed Dullahan, collapsing sorrowfully into Sheba's arms. "I'll be a better mother from now on, I promise!"

"Can't... breathe..." choked Sheba, slowly being crushed under the oversized suit of armour.

_Kay and Saturos  
Gardeners  
Currently in 4th Place_

"We're here!" shouted Kay as she and Saturos ran into New Vale.

"Great! Now where's the-"

"AHH!! IT'S SATUROS!!" screamed a nearby Valean. Instantly a group of villagers began gathering around Saturos and Kay wielding torches and pitchforks.

"Peace, friends," said Saturos, lovingly tying a rose to one of the villager's pitchforks.

The villager glared at him, tore the rose off and trampled it into the floor.

Saturos's eye twitched.

Kay sweatdropped.

_Hamma and Babi  
Authors  
Currently in 5th Place_

Babi walked into Vale followed by an irritated Hamma.

"You don't ever, _ever _insult the author, idiot!" she growled.

"Well, it's not like... WHAT THE HELL happened here!?"

An entire section of New Vale was ablaze, burning corpses scattering the ground. Screaming could be heard in the background.

"Eh, it's Vale. It was bound to happen sooner or later," explained Hamma.

_Hsu and Feizhi  
Martial Arts Students  
Currently in 6th Place_

"Brains or Brawn?" asked Hsu.

"Brawn! I'd be showin' dem all mah mad Kung Fu skillz!" boasted Feizhi, making vague gangster gestures.

Hsu raised an eyebrow.

"SHUT UP! I CAN BE COOL TOO!" yelled Feizhi, punching Hsu in the face.

"Yeah..." muttered Feizhi, glaring at Hsu's unconscious body. "Dat's what I'm talkin' about."

_King Hydros and Piers  
Representatives of Royalty and Commoners Relations  
Currently in 7th Place_

"You're lucky I'm so resourceful, peasant," said Hydros, stopping his personal carriage right in front of the Mayor's house. "Now fetch me my clue!"

"Of course, my lord," bowed Piers.

He ran into the house and, moments later, ran out with the clue.

"TOO SLOW!" screamed Hydros, kneeing Piers in the gut.

"Now," he muttered, taking the clue from Piers's writhing body. "What's this say... Brawn or Brains... right! We'll do Brains! I am, after all, the wise, all-knowing King of Lemura."

_Alex and Felix  
Social Outcasts  
On Detour 'Brawn'_

"Right... so where are these 'elite' warriors anyway?" asked Alex, looking around the forest near the village entrance.

"I will not allow you to refer to us in that manner!"

Instantly, a black-clad fighter wielding a katana jumped down from the trees overhead.

"Uh, since when was Vale a home for a secret sect of ninjas?" Alex asked, confused.

Felix shrugged. "No one really paid any attention to them, but they were there. Trust me."

"Oh... well then- TAKE THAT!!" yelled Alex, shooting off a shard of ice the ninja. However, the ice shard as it approached the ninja lost momentum and dropped, shattering against the floor.

The ninja stepped forward, grinning obnoxiously.

"What you have just witnessed is my special ability, Haizuumarac Kaimarushin Iaitasino! (Yay for excessively long names :P) All water and ice elements through this ability mean nothing against the power of my chakra!" he boasted.

Felix facepalmed and Alex rolled his eyes.

"Why must you freaking ninjas always explain out your abilities before every single fight?" Felix asked. "You should have realized by now how badly it disadvantages you."

"Oh, we know. It's just always the cool thing for the antagonist to do; it makes them seem impressive before what probably will be a meaningless fight."

"Ah."

"Anyway... now it's time for me to REVEAL MY TRUE FORM!!" the ninja pronounced dramatically.

The ninja hunched down and began twitching violently in what probably would end up being a three-episode-long dramatic transformation.

"I can't take this anymore," groaned Felix. "Spire!"

"You are one thousand years of training behind- OH GOD!"

Felix made it a meaningless fight.

_Alex and Felix  
4 Ninjas to go_

"Psh," muttered Alex, staring at the ninja corpse. "Ninjas suck."

"Ah well," Felix muttered. "At least they're better than pirates."

...

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" screamed Alex.

_Jenna and Kraden__  
Charity Volunteers__  
On Detour 'Brains'_

Kraden and Jenna strode up to the inn's reception. The receptionist looked up questioningly.

"Hey, we're here for the Brains detour. Where's the child we need to teach?" asked Jenna.

"Oh, she's right here." The receptionist reached behind the counter, pulled out a child and dumped her on the counter.

Jenna stared strangely at the receptionist. "You're... keeping all the children under the counter?"

The receptionist nodded. "Yup, it's tidier that way."

Kraden gazed hungrily at the counter.

"Reminds me of that old drawer Jenna used to keep her panties in," he muttered to himself.

The receptionist and Jenna stared at Kraden in disgust, as did Sheba and Dullahan.

"Oh, hey Sheba!" exclaimed Jenna, noticing the other team.

"Hi Jenna!" waved Sheba as Dullahan ordered their child. "You picked Brains too?"

"Yeah, I figured it'd be easier as Kraden's actually had teaching experience."

The Wise One floated into the Inn as Kraden and Dullahan brought their pupils forward.

"Okay teams, it's time for your _random_ subject!" it began, placing a lot of suspicious emphasis on the word 'random'. "Sheba and Dullahan, you two will be teaching your student... Addition!"

"Yay!" cheered the pair.

"Jenna and Kraden," continued the Wise One. "You two will be teaching your student about... Quantum Physics!"

"Wait, WHAT!?" yelled Jenna. "Are you retarded? We can't teach a kid-"

"Talk to the hand," replied the Wise One, turning away obnoxiously.

"STOP REFERENCING BODY PARTS YOU DON'T OWN!"

_Kay and Saturos  
Gardeners  
On Detour 'Brawn'_

"Kill... the Valeans..." growled Saturos.

"Okay Saturos, I think you may have over-reacted there," muttered Kay. "It was only a flower after all... and coming from me that sort of means something..."

Suddenly a ninja jumped down from a tree.

"Halt! I am-"

The ninja was consumed in a violent pillar of fire.

_Kay and Saturos  
4 Ninjas to go_

"On second thought, anger said to be a good focus..." recited Kay happily.

_Hamma and Babi  
Authors  
On Detour 'Brains'_

"Okay Wise One! What do you want this brat to learn?" asked Babi.

"Um... let's see... how about psychology?" replied the Wise One off the top of it's head. "Yeah, that'd be nice. He could grow up to treat the producers of this crazy show."

"Psychology!?" responded Babi furiously. "He's a dumb village kid! How the hell are we meant to-"

Hamma placed a hand quietly on Babi's shoulder.

"It'll be fine," she whispered. "I have a plan."

_Jenna and Kraden  
Charity Volunteers  
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Quantum Physics_

"Okay.... so how the hell are we going to do this?" asked Jenna.

"Well," Kraden began. "Learning is proven to be far more efficient when the child has a focus or specific reason to learn such as rewards, punishments or the like."

"Okay! Punishments, gottcha!" said Jenna happily.

"... Err... she did hear rewards as an option, didn't she?" Kraden asked himself, watching Jenna stride up to their child.

"Okay kid, this is how it goes! If you fail this test, I'm gonna set your parents on fire!" exclaimed Jenna, happily patting the horrified little girl on the back.

_Isaac and Mia  
Siblings  
In New Vale_

"Thanks, Mr. Mayor!" said Isaac, taking the clue.

"Shouldn't we help them, Isaac?" asked Mia, peering around the burning town.

"Nah, leave it to them, they should be used to it by now," explained Isaac matter-of-factly. "Anyway, should we try Brains or Brawn?"

"Brains," asked Mia thoughtfully. "We learn some things about raising children so when we have-"

The mayor made a few disgusted choking sounds.

".... what was that for?" asked Isaac cautiously.

"Nothing..." answered the Mayor, averting his eyes.

Isaac ground his teeth together. "You watched me grow up here! We are _not_ related, damn you!"

"Yeah, I'm sure you're not..." replied the Mayor, still averting his eyes.

"I HATE YOU ALL!!" screamed Isaac.

_Alex and Felix  
Social Outcasts  
2 Ninjas to go_

"Oh hey, Felix. I've got a good one!" exclaimed Alex, happily standing over another ninja corpse.

"Uh, one what?" asked Felix curiously.

"A joke!" grinned Alex. "Okay, so what has a katana, and is covered in black and red?"

"What?" asked Felix, rolling his eyes.

"The ninja I just killed!"

Felix shook his head. "That's really not funny, Alex. That's hardly even a joke."

"_Laugh,_ damn it," glared Alex.

"Ahahaha...." weakly laughed Felix, feeling the blood in his veins slowly drop in temperature.

_Dullahan and Sheba  
Mother and Daughter  
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Addition_

"It's time for your test!" declared Sheba to the little Valean boy.

"Yay!" he cheered.

Sheba and Dullahan led the child to testing room. Sheba opened the door and motioned for the boy to go through.

"Okay, remember what to do when you don't know the answer?" she asked him, smiling.

"I use my fingers!" recited the boy, smiling back.

"Good luck in there!"

"Oh, hey Sheba!"

Cheerfully, Jenna strode up to the pair followed by Kraden leading their trembling student.

"Now remember, if you don't want to be an orphan you'll pass this test for us!" exclaimed Jenna playfully to their student. "Now run along child!"

With a look of disbelieving horror at Jenna, the girl ran into the testing room.

"Nice kid," Jenna murmured to herself.

"Kraden, why aren't telling her off!?" yelled Sheba, shocked. "What the hell kind of punishment is that?"

"Lucky kid..." Kraden grumbled. "I wish Jenna would punish me like that..."

"HUH!?"

"I've been a bad boy, Jenna." Kraden began mumbling to himself. "Please set me straight."

Sheba stared at the pair of them in absolute disgust.

_King Hydros and Piers  
Representatives of Royalty and Commoners Relations  
On Detour 'Brains'_

"Here you go!" said the receptionist, happily handing over a snotty-nosed kid.

"This'll be a piece of cake," boasted Hydros.

"King Hydros and Piers," pronounced the Wise One. "You two will be teaching your child... Medical Sciences!"

"WHAT!?"

_Hsu and Feizhi  
Martial Arts Students  
On Detour 'Brawn'_

Feizhi and Hsu entered the forests near Vale's entrance.

"Right, so where are these elite-"

She broke off as a volley screams tore through the trees. A moment later, a ninja sprinted up to the pair of them.

"PLEASE HIDE ME!!" he yelled into Feizhi's face.

"From what?" asked Feizhi, confused.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" Alex's homicidal laughter echoed a short distance away.

"Quick, he's coming!" begged the ninja.

"Oh... um... quick! Under Hsu's shirt!" Feizhi improvised.

"Wha-"

Feizhi shoved the ninja into Hsu's shirt just as Alex ran into sight.

"Hey, another team!" greeted Alex. "You haven't seen any ninjas by any chance around here have you? We're on our last one."

"Nope!" replied Hsu.

"No ninjas here!" continued Feizhi. "And it's not like that if we did see one we would've hidden him in Hsu's clothing because he's so _fat_ nobody would notice the extra bulk or anything like that."

"...why are you so cruel to me?" asked Hsu.

"We've been over this thousands of times, Hsu. It's because you're a fat blob that would find it easier to roll then to walk!"

Hsu began to cry.

Alex raised an eyebrow.

"Uh, right. Actually... as another team... I should at least eliminate you to reduce competition," he muttered to himself, a sadistic expression slowly growing across his face.

"I'm afraid you can't do that Alex," commented the Wise One, appearing out of nowhere.

"What? Why not!?" asked Alex angrily.

"It's in your contract. If you begin murdering off other teams, you simply won't get any of the prize money."

"Damn."

Felix ran into view, wheezing.

"You run too fast, Alex," he gasped. "Can't you at least pretend we're a team?"

"However," continued the Wise One. "You do have permission to kill your partner for comedic effect."

Felix's head whipped up. "Wait, WHAT!?"

"Yay!" cheered Alex, stealing one of Felix's vital organs and running off with it.

Felix died. Cheesy sitcom laugher played in the background.

_Hsu and Feizhi  
4 Ninjas to go_

"I think he suffocated," commented Feizhi, poking the ninja corpse.

"Shut up!" cried Hsu.

_Isaac and Mia  
Siblings  
On Detour 'Brains'_

"Isaac and Mia," declared the Wise One. "The two of you will be teaching your student... multiplication!"

"What!? How is that fair!?" yelled Hydros from across the room.

"Look, I'd love to give this incestuous pair another ridiculously overqualified topic," explained the Wise One. "But _apparently_ I've pissed the producers off, so they're choosing all the topics now."

"We are NOT incestuous!" Isaac yelled angrily.

"Just do the damn detour," muttered the Wise One, disappearing.

_Jenna and Kraden  
Charity Volunteers  
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Quantum Physics_

"How did you go? Come on! Don't be shy!" asked Jenna excitedly.

"I... got two questions wrong," replied the girl, shaking, awaiting the response.

"PATHETIC!" screamed Jenna into the little girl's face.

Jenna whipped around and marched up to the receptionist's desk.

"Hey, could you please tell me where our student's family lives?" she asked casually.

"... why would you want to know that?" the receptionist questioned suspiciously.

"To... er... congratulate her parents for raising such a great kid?"

"Okay!" obliviously replied the receptionist.

The receptionist cheerfully handed over the student's address, which Jenna accepted.

"Make sure she passes the next test, Kraden, or we'll have to find more things to burn!" Jenna exclaimed as she dashed out of the inn.

".... we?" Kraden asked quietly.

"Um, Kraden?" Kraden felt a little tugging at his sleeve. He looked down and spied their small pupil.

"She's not really going to burn my parents, is she?" asked the girl fearfully.

"Nah... I'm sure she wouldn't..." assured Kraden unconvincingly.

_Flint and Echo  
Djinn Alliance Representatives  
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Grammar_

"Listen to us!" yelled Flint angrily. "We're trying to teach you!"

"The kitty can talk!" exclaimed the child, happily fiddling around with Echo's ears.

"Echo! Tell her to stop that!"

"Just a bit more to the left..." purred Echo.

"GOD DAMN YOU ECHO YOU ARE NOT A CAT!"

_Dullahan and Sheba  
Mother and Daughter  
Currently in 1st Place_

"I passed!" cheered the boy.

"Yes!" celebrated Sheba. "Now we can get the clue!"

Sheba and Dullahan strode up to the receptionist's desk and took the clue. Dullahan gingerly opened it out and read, "You must now make your way to Vale's store."

"Teams must now travel to Vale's pitifully-stocked store where they will take one of eleven horse-driven coaches to Vault," the Wise One commentated.

"Let's go!" exclaimed Dullahan.

Sheba and Dullahan dashed out of the inn towards the shop.

"Hey mum?" asked Sheba, staring at the doorway of the inn. "How did you fit in there?"

"PLOT DEVICE!" wildly screamed the author in the distance.

Sheba looked around, confused. "Um... what?"

_Garet and Ivan  
Friends  
Currently in 10th Place_

"Do you have ANY idea how far behind we are!?" Ivan shouted, watching Dullahan and Sheba, closely followed by Alex and Felix, leaving Vale on separate coaches. "They're leaving, Garet! Leaving! You know what that means, right?"

"No," replied Garet obliviously.

Ivan facepalmed.

_Kay and Saturos  
Gardeners  
1 Ninja to go_

"Burn, bitches! BURN!" screamed Saturos, burning down entire acres of woodland.

"You keep at it, Saturos!" exclaimed Kay happily.

_Kay and Saturos  
Interview after leg_

"I tend to forget," explained Kay. "But Saturos really is one of Prox's strongest soldiers. He'll come in handy when we're given tasks that require fighting or," - she lowered her voice - "bumping off the other teams," she whispered.

"I heard that!" shouted Alex from another room. "And you can't do that! It's in the contract!"

"It's in **your** contract, Alex!" replied Kay. "The producers didn't trust you! The rest of us can do whatever the hell we want!"

"WHAT!?" yelled Alex, outraged. "Heads are going to roll!"

Footsteps could be heard as Alex furiously stomped away.

"Jeez, that guy's anger problems," muttered Kay to the camera. "Childhood issues if you ask me. His parent's must've really hated him or something."

_Justin and Megan  
Abandoned Healing Students  
Currently in 11th Place_

"Brains or Brawn?" asked Justin.

"Brawn," replied Megan. "We can show everyone how much we've developed our awesome Mia-killing techniques!"

"Yay!" cheered Justin happily.

_Hamma and Babi  
Authors  
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Psychology_

Hamma uncrossed her legs and stood up, taking her palm off the boy's head.

"We're ready," she stated.

"What do you mean you're ready?" asked Babi angrily. "You've just sat there saying nothing this whole time!"

"Oh for the love of... I'm a wind adept, Babi! I enter people's minds! Wind adept! Mind manipulation! Teaching! What the hell do you think I've been doing!?" replied Hamma, irritated.

"Ah... I knew that!" exclaimed Babi obnoxiously. "I was just testing you!"

"Let's just complete the detour," Hamma said, exasperated.

_Isaac and Mia  
Siblings  
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Multiplication_

"It looks like Babi and Hamma have already finished," commented Mia, watching Hamma and Babi collect their clue from the receptionist.

"I passed!" suddenly cheered their pupil coming out of the testing room.

"And we are right behind them!" exclaimed Isaac. "Run Mia! Let's get the clue!"

_King Hydros and Piers  
Representatives of Royalty and Commoners Relations  
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Medical Sciences_

"We failed," growled Hydros, looking over their pupil's test papers.

"Well, what did you expect!?" asked Piers.

"SILENCE PEASANT!!" screamed Hydros. "I NEVER WANT TO HEAR OPINIONS FROM YOU AGAIN! YOU HEAR ME!?"

"Free will is such a difficult issue," continued Hydros happily. "You have to keep beating it down. It's a never ending battle."

_Hsu and Feizhi  
Martial Arts Students  
Currently in 6th Place_

"That's the last one!" remarked Feizhi, dealing a sharp knock-out punch to the ninja.

"Now where's that clue?" asked Hsu.

"Right here," said the Wise One, appearing out of nowhere and handing them the clue.

"How do you know when the team has finished the detour?" asked Hsu questioningly as Feizhi began to read the clue.

The Wise One looked at him with an all-knowing gaze.

"I am omnipotent," it replied matter-of-factly.

"Then why do you act shocked or surprised so often?" Hsu asked curiously.

"YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FIND FLAWS IN MY STORY!" wildly screamed the author in the distance.

"I wish he would stop doing that," sighed the Wise One, shaking it's head.

_Jenna and Kraden  
Charity Volunteers  
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Quantum Physics_

"Good luck," murmured Kraden, ushering their student into the testing room.

"Or I'll have to burn this too!!" exclaimed Jenna, happily holding up the little girl's squealing puppy.

The poor girl stared at Jenna with a desperate, pleading expression on her face before leaving her beloved puppy in Jenna's grasp for the test.

**It's now time for our ad break!**

**After the break:**

"So did you pass or fail?" asked Jenna, threateningly holding out the poor orphan's puppy.

"I... I..." began the girl nervously, stepping from foot to foot.

**Find out! Stay tuned for more!**

_Current Team Statuses:_

_1st Place - Dullahan and Sheba - Travelling to Vault_

_2nd Place - Alex and Felix - Travelling to Vault_

_3rd Place - Kay and Saturos - Travelling to Vault_

_4th Place - Hamma and Babi - Travelling to Vault_

_5th Place - Isaac and Mia - Travelling to Vault_

_6th Place - Hsu and Feizhi - Travelling to Vault_

_7th Place - Jenna and Kraden - On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Quantum Physics_

_7th Place - King Hydros and Piers - On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Medical Sciences_

_7th Place - Flint and Echo - On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Grammar_

_10th Place - Justin and Megan - Yet to start detour_

_10th Place - Garet and Ivan - Yet to start detour

* * *

_

Not all chapters will have ad breaks, this time I was just disgustingly lazy and felt like posting whatever the hell I had.

In reality I've only actually watched about one or two episodes of the Amazing Race and I'm just going off what I've learnt from 'The Amazing Smashy Race'. It was tricky at first but a pattern works itself out.

Chibi Sadist: Bah! Who gives a crap?

NinthCircle: ... What're you doing here?

Chibi Sadist: I figured I'd come over from Noble Intentions. It's not being as bloody as you promised me!

NinthCircle: Just shut up before I start adopting lost animals.

Chibi Sadist: I'll be quiet...

NinthCircle: Good! Read and Review, people!


	2. Leg 1: Sol Sanctum Ruins: Part 2

Besides saying I wrote almost this entire thing listening to the Toradora opening theme on a loop, else nothing really comes to mind. Enjoy.

* * *

**Leg One - The Sol Sanctum ruins to Goma Cave (Part 2)**

-And that's how with only one spray, you can keep all of those pesky vermin out of your evil lair! Buy new 'Vermin Away', today! Alex approves!-

The advertisement ended with Alex giving the audience a big, cheesy grin and a thumbs-up.

"Sell out," muttered the Wise One in the background.

And now welcome back to... The Amazing Weyard Race!

_Jenna and Kraden  
Charity Volunteers  
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Quantum Physics_

"So?" asked Jenna, threateningly holding the poor girl's puppy out. "Did you pass or fail?"

"I... I... I FAILED!!" wailed their student, pitifully crying into her hands.

"Punishment Time!" Jenna sang happily. In one fluid motion, Jenna threw the puppy out the window and sent a Dragon Fume after it, incinerating it instantly.

"Who wants hot dogs?" asked Jenna cheerfully.

Every single person in the room facepalmed, including the orphan.

"Just... no," muttered Kraden.

_Garet and Ivan  
Friends  
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching History_

"I think I'll be in charge of teaching the kid," stated Ivan.

"What can I do?" replied Garet obliviously.

"Uhh... go outside and pick some flowers or something," answered Ivan, improvising.

"YAAAAAY~!" celebrated Garet, throwing his hands into the air but keeping his elbows at his waist.

Garet then proceeded to skip out of the inn like a little girl.

Ivan shuddered slightly.

_Justin and Megan  
__Abandoned Healing Students  
On Detour 'Brawn'_

"Now we have to find these 'elite guards'," muttered Megan.

_Interview after leg_

"We picked Brawn because Megan and I figured we'd try practising all our ultimate Mia-killing techniques!" exclaimed Justin.

"We're after you, bitch!" shouted Megan, waving her fist angrily at the camera.

_Flint and Echo  
__Djinn Alliance Representatives  
Currently in 7th Place_

"I passed!" cheered the child after exiting the test room.

Flint and Echo sighed in relief and then dashed off to collect their next clue.

"Though they did seem worried about my mental health when I told them that my teachers were a pair of talking kitties," continued the student.

_Justin and Megan  
Abandoned Healing Students  
Currently in 8th Place_

Justin and Megan stood ominously upon a mound of dead ninja, giggling softly at each other.

"I think we killed too many, Sister dearest," whispered Justin in that creepy tone used in horror movies when the evil, telepathic twins talk to each other.

"I'm afraid so, Brother dearest," whispered Megan back, still giggling. "It's just that I kept seeing _her_ face everywhere..."

She slowly licked her lips. "I can still hear them screaming..."

"You kids are freaks," muttered the Wise One.

_Garet and Ivan  
Friends  
Currently in 9th Place_

"I passed!"

"Yes!" cheered Ivan. He then strolled down to the counter and collected the clue.

"You must now make your way to Vale's store where you will take a ride to Vault," Ivan read out to himself.

Ivan walked out of the inn.

"Oh, I've waited for you sooooo long, Ivan," cried Garet in a high voice, suddenly jumping out of nowhere and continuing his facade of acting like a little girl. "I've made a bouquet for you!"

Garet held out a bouquet.

Ivan punched him in the face.

"NO. BAD GARET."

"Oww..."

_King Hydros and Piers  
Representatives of Royalty and Commoners Relations  
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Medical Sciences_

_Many, many failings later..._

"THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!" screamed Hydros, throwing various objects and Piers around the room in fury.

Jenna sidled slyly over to Hydros.

"Hey, how about we form a temporary pact and sneak attack the innkeeper for the next clue?" she whispered.

"Fine idea, Lassie!" chortled Hydros in a hearty Scottish accent.

The two groups fell silent as they began to plot their dastardly act.

_Jenna and Kraden  
Charity Volunteers  
On Detour 'Brains' - Teaching Quantum Physics_

"WHAT DID YOU SAY? JENNA'S GOING TO POLE DANCE?" shouted Hydros loudly.

Absolutely every single person in the inn completely froze, then turned to face Hydros talking unusually loudly with Jenna and Piers.

When they had obtained everybody's complete and undivided attention, Kraden silently lowered himself down from the ceiling on a ninja rope, placed his hands on the innkeeper's head and twisted sharply to the right.

As the innkeeper crumpled to the floor, Kraden grabbed two clues, gave the group a thumbs-up and sneakily climbed back up into the ceiling.

"Oh dear, you seem to have misheard me! I said I was going to sell you my _Coal Lance._"

"Who makes a lance out of coal, idiot?" hissed Hydros at Jenna.

"Shut up! We got our clues, didn't we?" Jenna hissed back.

_Dullahan and Sheba  
Mother and Daughter  
Currently in 1st Place_

As the coach slowed down to a stop, the driver handed them the next clue. Sheba opened in and read aloud, "Make your way down to the town's south entrance to find your next clue."

"Let's go~!" cheered Dullahan, throwing its hands into the air but keeping its elbows at its waist.

Dullahan then proceeded to skip down to the village entrance like a little girl.

Sheba shuddered slightly.

"Hey, I found the clue!" Dullahan called out, pulling a clue out of the clue box.

"Oh, cool!" Sheba called back, running after Dullahan. "That was quick! What does it say?"

Dullahan waited until Sheba had caught up and then read out, "Road Block: Who's got light fingers?"

"Road Block!" the Wise One pronounced. "A Road Block is a task that only one person can perform! Teams must choose carefully who does which Road Block as each person can only do a maximum of six!"

"In this Road Block, a team member must steal at least two hundred coins worth of valuables from the villagers and hand them over to a bunch of shifty bandits outside Vault! Try not to get arrested!"

"I'll do it!" Dullahan exclaimed excitedly. "I am, after all, the master of sneaking."

_Alex and Felix  
Social Outcasts  
Currently in 2nd Place_

"Road Block: Who's got light fingers?" read out Alex.

"I'll... let you take this one," Felix said. "After all, you _are_ the villain."

_Kay and Saturos  
Gardeners  
Currently in 3rd Place_

"Isn't this Road Block ethically wrong?" Kay asked the Wise One.

"PSHH, ROFL. ETHICS," lol'd the Wise One.

"You're a weirdo," muttered Saturos.

"Ty, d00d."

_Hsu and Feizhi  
Martial Arts Students  
Currently in 6th Place_

"Time for my mad Kung Fu Skills!" Feizhi exclaimed.

"I see where this is going..." muttered Hsu.

"Silence, fatty!" shouted Feizhi.

_Dullahan and Sheba  
Mother and Daughter  
On Road Block – Zero coins worth of valuables stolen_

"Maybe I'll try my hand at pick pocketing," thought Dullahan to itself.

It discretely tiptoed up to one of the villagers and snuck a hand into her pocket. Unfortunately, Dullahan's thieving level was too low and it was caught.

"OI, STOP THAT!" shouted the villager, pulling out a can and spraying mace into Dullahan.

"AARGHHHH!!!" Dullahan screamed, falling to the floor and disintegrating. "Mace... my one weakness..."

_Kay and Saturos__  
Gardeners  
On Road Block – Zero coins worth of valuables stolen_

"So, you've got the goods?" asked one of the shifty bandits as Saturos walked up to them with a bulge under his shirt.

**(Special author note: I do not want to continue typing 'one of the shifty bandits' every time the characters talk with him, so from this point onwards, I shall name him 'Joe'. Okay? Cool. Enjoy the rest of the fic, dearest readers, and remember to review.)**

"Yeah, it's all right here," replied Saturos in his shady, drug-dealer voice, suspiciously glancing from side to side.

He began pulling out handfuls of flowers.

"Uhh, hey, dude... these are completely worthless," Joe stated, staring at the mound of flowers.

Saturos's eye twitched.

"You..._ dare..._ call... flowers... worthless...?" he hissed, orbs of flame igniting over his palms.

"... yeah, you can't sell these things," responded Joe matter-of-factly.

"RAAAWWWWRR!!!" screamed Saturos, going into Godzilla mode.

Instantly, the Wise One descended from the skies and placed a barrier around the bandits, protecting them while Saturos raged. When Saturos had finished and was panting, completely exhausted, the Wise One lifted the barrier.

"Sorry, but under contract I'm to protect these guys during the course of the Road Block," revealed the Wise One.

Saturos grumbled but gave up, making his way back to Vault.

_Isaac and Mia  
Siblings  
On Road Block – Zero coins worth of valuables stolen_

Isaac strode up to a household and opened the door. He then, using his ultimate RPG protagonist powers, took all the family's valuables and treasures without any complaint from the owners._  
_

_Isaac and Mia  
Currently in 1st Place_

Isaac strode up to the bandits and dumped all the villager's belongings onto the ground.

"Great job, here's ya next clue," muttered Joe, handing Isaac the clue while all the others began scooping all the goods into their bags.

"Thanks!" responded Isaac, taking the clue.

Mia read it out. "You may now make your way to Goma Cave and the Pit Stop for this leg of the race!"

"The Pit Stop!" exclaimed Isaac. "We're so close!"

"Let's run!"

_Hsu and Feizhi  
Martial Arts Students  
On Road Block – Fifty coins worth of valuables stolen_

"Waaaaa hyah!" shouted Feizhi, karate chopping a random passerby in the neck and then mugging him.

_Flint and Echo  
Djinn Alliance Representatives  
Currently in 7th Place_

"Who's got light fingers?" read out Echo.

"I'll do it," replied Flint.

_Dullahan and Sheba  
Mother and Daughter  
On Road Block – Zero coins worth of valuables stolen_

"Thief!" yelled a villager, spraying Dullahan with mace.

"WHY DO YOU ALL HAVE MACE!??" screamed Dullahan, melting.

_Alex and Felix  
Social Outcasts  
On Road Block – Zero coins worth of valuables stolen_

"OI, STOP THAT!" shouted the town guards, following Alex around and shouting angrily at him every time he approached a villager.

"They are _really_ pissing me off..." hissed Alex.

"I guess you seemed too much like an outsider with your blue hair and all..." Felix whispered back to Alex. "And the fact that you're _Alex_."

"OI, STOP THAT!" shouted the town guards as Alex walked up to a house.

Alex growled angrily.

_Hsu and Feizhi  
Martial Arts Students  
On Road Block – Sufficient coins worth of valuables stolen_

"That's the last one!" exclaimed Feizhi, stripping down the last villager and tossing all his belongings and clothes into a bag.

"You are terrible," muttered Hsu.

"Yes, I know I'm awesome!" replied Feizhi, happily nodding her head.

Hsu facepalmed.

_Alex and Felix  
Social Outcasts  
On Road Block – Zero coins worth of valuables stolen_

"OI, STOP THAT!" shouted the town guards.

"I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING THAT TIME!" screamed Alex at the guards.

"We just don't like you," they replied obnoxiously.

Alex glared at them in fury. Felix felt the air chill, took note of the danger signs immediately and began running.

_Alex and Felix  
Social Outcasts  
On Road Block – Sufficient coins worth of valuables stolen_

"How much does Town Guard meat sell for?" asked Alex, lowering a large pile of dead guards down in front of the bandits.

"Coin-wise, that's fine," stated Joe happily.

"... but as a penalty for killing villagers, I'm afraid you'll have to stay here for two hours," the Wise One added in.

"WHAT!?" shouted Alex, outraged. "You've never penalised us for harming villagers before!"

"I just like changing the rules every few moments. It keeps the race interesting. And you're _going_ to stay here, or I'll pull a Mt. Aleph on you again."

_Justin and Megan  
Abandoned Healing Students  
Currently in 8th Place_

"Road Block! Who's got light fingers?" read out Megan.

"Leave this to me," responded Justin.

_Flint and Echo  
Djinn Alliance Representatives  
On Road Block – Zero coins worth of valuables stolen_

"Just be quiet as possible..." muttered Flint to himself, sneaking up to a house. As he approached the door however, a villager spotted him.

"RATS!!" she screamed hysterically.

"WHAT!? WHERE??"

"JUST THERE!!"

"GET IT!"

Before Flint could raise an objection, a mob of villagers ran up to him and bashed him to death with brooms.

"WHY ME!??" screamed Flint, dying.

_Kay and Saturos  
Gardeners  
On Road Block – Zero coins worth of valuables stolen_

"They want valuables, huh?" muttered Saturos to himself. "Fine!"

Saturos began doing what Saturos does best and began pillaging the entire village.

_Justin and Megan  
Abandoned Healing Students  
On Road Block – Zero coins worth of valuables stolen_

"LET ME OUT OF HERE!" Justin wailed, shaking the bars of his cell vigorously.

"Why should we?" asked the prison guards. "You filthy little thief."

"I was forced into that! THIS ISN'T FAIR!!"

"Pfft, as if. Now dance, boy. DANCE," responded the guard, pulling out a handgun and shooting the ground at Justin's feet.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" screamed Justin, jumping up and down, trying to avoid the bullets.

_Garet and Ivan__  
Friends  
On Road Block – Zero coins worth of valuables stolen_

"I should really get around to sending my _valuable_ Water of Life to cure that poor girl in Kalay," thought the Mayor of Vault to himself.

"That's the stuff..." thought Ivan, putting his mind reading to good use.

_Kay and Saturos  
Gardeners  
On Road Block – OVER NINE THOUSAND coins worth of valuables stolen_

"HAPPY!?" exclaimed Saturos, dumping bag after bag filled with gold, jewels, building materials, food supplies and goods in front of the bandits. In the background, screaming and great clouds of billowing smoke could be seen coming out of Vault.

Joe stared speechlessly at Saturos before handing him the next clue.

"Why is it you always seem to decimate every village we come across?" asked Kay.

"It's not my fault!" Saturos complained, pouting. "Everyone forces it upon me!"

_Isaac and Mia  
Siblings  
Currently in 1st Place_

"There it is, Mia!" exclaimed Isaac, pointing towards the pit stop situated just outside the entrance of Goma Cave.

"We've made it!" Mia cheered.

The pair ran up to the map and stood onto it. Instantly, the Wise One materialised.

"Isaac and Mia," pronounced the Wise One. "You have arrived... first!" Congratulations!"

"YES!" they exclaimed, hugging each other.

"So, how do you feel?" the Wise One questioned.

"We're just ecstatic," replied Isaac. "It's amazing, we never expected on the first leg to actually come in first place!"

"It's just stunning... this is just such a boost to the confidence in our teamwork. I feel like we have a real chance at this race!" continued Mia.

The Wise One nodded a few times as was customary and continued with the presentation.

"And for coming first in this leg, you have won the prize for this leg of the race!" it declared, handing over a DVD to Isaac.

"... what's this?" Isaac asked cautiously.

"It's a guide on the disadvantages of incestuous relationships and how to stop as effectively as possible," chuckled the Wise One.

"OH, JUST... F**K YOU!!" screamed Isaac hysterically

_King Hydros and Piers  
Representatives of Royalty and Commoners Relations  
On Road Block – Sufficient coins worth of valuables... stolen?_

"And you're sure you... stole this?" asked Joe, looking sceptically at the multitude of sculptures depicting King Hydros in front of them. "It is part of the requirement that you take the valuables _from the village._"

"You're accusing me of cheating?" Hydros growled.

"I just don't see why Vault would have sculptures of you."

"WHAT?" yelled Hydros angrily, horribly abusing the caps lock. "LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, I AM THE NOBLE AND BELEVOLENT KING HYDROS, SO LOVED AND ADORED THAT EVEN PEOPLE OUTSIDE MY MAGNIFICENT KINGDOM WORSHIP ME. HOW _DARE_ YOU QUESTION MY AUTHORITY AND REGALITY? I COME FROM A GREAT AND MAGESTIC LI-"

King Hydros continued ranting non-stop until several of the bandits were practically bleeding from their ears.

"FINE, JUST TAKE YOUR CLUE!" screamed Joe.

"Thanks!" replied Hydros happily, completely satisfied.

"That was really over the top," Piers commented as they walked away.

Hydros punched Piers in the gonads.

_Jenna and Kraden  
Charity Volunteers  
On Road Block – Zero coins worth of valuables stolen_

"There appears to be nothing left to steal," muttered Jenna, glancing around the burning, bare village Saturos left behind. "Where would there still be anything of value...?"

She wandered around the village, attempting to think of a place so poor and pointless that nobody would ever think of stealing from it. Then it came to her.

"The General Store!"

_Kay and Saturos  
Gardeners_

"We've made it!" cheered Kay.

"Kay and Saturos, you have arrived... third!" announced the Wise One

"That's pretty good," smiled Saturos happily.

_Dullahan and Sheba  
Mother and Daughter  
On Road Block – Zero coins worth of valuables stolen_

Dullahan strode furiously up to the bandits.

"GIVE ME THE CLUE," it declared.

"No way," replied Joe.

Dullahan _ate_ one of the bandits.

"Here you go," replied Joe, handing over the clue.

_The Bandits  
Not in the Race_

"WEREN'T YOU GOING TO PROTECT US!?" shouted Joe at the Wise One.

"Okay, I'll be honest with you... I can only raise that barrier that protected you before once," replied the Wise One sheepishly.

Joe sweatdropped. "... this means we're probably all going to get killed, right?"

"Probably, yeah."

_Alex and Felix  
Social Outcasts  
Currently in 7th Place_

"Two hours are up!"

Joe handed over the clue to the pissed-off Alex.

"Have a nice day!" commented the Wise One obnoxiously.

"Urge to kill... rising..." thought Alex.

"You know, this wouldn't happened if you had just kept your temper," stated Felix.

Alex 's eyes slowed rotated over to the left psychopathic-style and focused on Felix's face. His expression was twisted into one that quite clearly said, "_I'm going to kill you and rape the body_."

Felix swallowed nervously.

"... or not! Temper's good! Keep the temper!" he exclaimed, forcing himself to chuckle.

_Garet and Ivan  
Friends  
Currently in 4th Place_

"We've just got to get to Goma Cave and it's all over!" exclaimed Ivan, running.

Suddenly there was a great rattling sound and a royal-looking, horse driven carriage passed by them.

"So long, suckers!" called out King Hydros.

"That's cheating!" yelled Ivan, outraged.

Hydros laughed as the carriage sped into the distance.

_King Hydros and Piers  
Representatives of Royalty and Commoners Relations  
Currently in 4th Place_

"Although we had a few hitches, we've caught up quite well!" said Hydros in a deep, jolly voice. He held up a glass of wine and gestured it towards Piers. "He's to our victory, peasant!"

Suddenly there was a great clanking sound and Sheba riding a large, sprinting set of armour sped past the carriage.

"So long, suckers!" called out Sheba.

"That's cheating!" yelled Hydros, outraged.

Sheba laughed as the Dullahan sped into the distance.

_Jenna and Kraden  
Charity Volunteers  
Currently in 8th Place_

"That's a lot of herbs..." muttered Joe, raising an eyebrow as Jenna pulled an herb-filled wagon up to the bandits.

"It's fine though, right?" asked Jenna anxiously.

Joe examined the wagon of herbs thoroughly.

"I'd say it's just about enough!" he declared, handing Jenna the clue.

"Awesome!"

_Alex and Felix  
Social Outcasts_

Felix and Alex jumped onto the pit stop.

"Alex and Felix, you have arrived... in seventh place!" the Wise One pronounced happily.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, FELIX!!" screamed Alex hysterically, lunging at Felix and knifing him again and again.

The Wise One chuckled merrily as he watched Felix get horribly murdered again.

_Flint and Echo  
Djinn Alliance Representatives  
Currently in 9th Place_

"RAMSES!!" pronounced Flint and Echo, summoning down the giant earth elemental, Egyptian-thing to bash the living crap out of the bandits.

"WHAT THE FU-"

Death ensured. All the bandits but Joe (because he's the temporary bandit protagonist-type person) we violently crushed.

"We'll take that!" smiled Echo, swiping a clue from Joe's horribly injured body.

_Joe  
Not in the Race_

Joe glared angrily at the Wise One, several of his limbs crushed.

The Wise One shrugged.

"Hey, you accepted the job. I didn't exactly force you into it."

"YOU SAID YOU COULD PROTECT US!"

"Yeah... well... Another team's almost reached the pit stop. See ya!"

The Wise One disappeared, leaving Joe behind swearing angrily.

_Jenna and Kraden  
Charity Volunteers_

Jenna and Kraden ran up to the pit stop and stood and the Amazing Weyard Race mat.

"Jenna and Kraden!" announced the Wise One, materialising. "You are... eighth!"

"At least we caught up a near the end," shrugged Kraden.

_Hamma and Babi  
Authors of 'Life after Death: the Fourth Wall'  
Currently in 11th Place_

"Isaac and Mia are so _dead_," hissed Hamma.

"Admittedly, what they did was pretty cool..." muttered Babi.

_Flashback  
Hamma and Babi riding in the coach to Vault_

"Can your powers of prediction tell us what we've got to do in Vault?" asked Babi.

Hamma sat still, meditating. "Just let me focus."

Suddenly there was a series of loud bangs outside and their couch ground to a halt. Babi and Hamma both glanced outside just as Isaac and Mia's coach sped past them, Mia hanging out of the window, _duel-wielding a pair of Uzis_.

Hamma and Babi just stared, open mouthed as the coach rode off.

_End flashback_

Hamma slapped Babi.

"NO. That was _not_ cool. That was uncool. You can go screw yourself as well!" she shouted, flipping off the sky above her. The author grinned and waved back.

_Justin and Megan  
Abandoned Healing Students  
On Road Block – Sufficient coins worth of valuables stolen_

"Chainmail should be valuable enough," stated Justin, walking out of Vault.

"How'd you let yourself get caught, anyway? Seriously," muttered Megan, her arms dripping with the prison guards' blood.

"It's not my fault! I can't pull any of that creepy twin stuff if you're not around with me!"

"Fair enough."

"YOINK!" exclaimed Hamma and Babi, grabbing the chainmail out of Justin's hands and dashing out of Vault.

Justin stared in shock at his hands, then at the fleeing authors.

"THAT'S IT!!" he yelled furiously.

_Hamma and Babi  
Authors of 'Life after Death: the Fourth Wall'  
Currently in 10th Place_

"Yeah, that should be fine," muttered Joe, handing over a clue with his good arm and accepting the chainmail.

"What happened to you?" asked Babi, staring at the bandit's broken body.

"Please... don't ask."

_Justin and Megan  
Abandoned Healing Students  
Currently in 11th Place_

Justin and Megan tossed a live, hog-tied _villager_ down in front of Joe.

"Creative," stated Joe. "Here you go."

"You may now make your way to Goma Cave and the Pit Stop for this leg of the race!" read out Megan.

"Hurry! We can still catch up!" exclaimed Justin, pointing towards the figures of Hamma and Babi in the distance.

Justin and Megan began to dash madly after Babi and Hamma.

_Flint and Echo  
Djinn Alliance Representatives_

"Flint and Echo! You have arrived in ninth place!" declared the Wise One.

"We'll just have to do better next time," muttered Flint wistfully.

_**The Amazing Weyard Race Pit Stop  
Goma Cave**_

All teams were gathered together, waiting intently for the final two pairs to appear. Dramatic Amazing Race theme music played.

"There they are!" yelled Saturos excitedly.

Sprinting furiously out of the surrounding forest, neck and neck, were Justin, Megan, Hamma and Babi.

"Come on!" yelled Justin, furiously throwing Ice psynergies at the other team.

"Run, Babi, run!" shouted Hamma, ducking and weaving through the violent Justin's attacks. "Just think of the prize money!"

"So... tired..." Babi wheezed, his old body reaching its limits.

The teams quickly closed the gap between themselves and the pit stop.

"Dive for it Megan!" exclaimed Justin.

The two teams threw themselves at the pit stop, landing almost simultaneously on the mat. There was a long pause as the Wise One received the results.

"Babi and Hamma," declared the Wise One. "I'm sorry to say, but you have arrived at the pit stop last and therefore you are the first team to be kicked out of the race."

"Aw, crap," muttered Babi.

"Which means, Justin and Megan... you have been eliminated from the race as well!"

"WHAT!! WHY!?" they both yelled, furious.

"Well, the stupid, made-up reason is that you both touched the mat at the exact same time," the Wise One explained. "But-"

"I'm just being a lazy prick!" explained the Author out of nowhere. "This way I don't have to write so much."

"HOLY SHIT, A SELF-INSERT!" screamed the Wise One. "EVERYBODY HIT THE DECK!"

The Wise One dove to the floor, cowering. Everyone stared at him, confused.

"... there's not going to be a Gary Stu attack?" asked the Wise One cautiously.

The Author threw back his long, flowing hair and laughed softly to himself. Gracefully, he strode up to the Wise One. A gentle, majestic smile graced his handsome features as he placed an understanding hand on the Wise One, comforting it. The contestants stood back in awe, instantly aware of his obvious power and kindness. All of the girls sighed admiringly.

"Do not worry," he murmured to the Wise One. "I would never soil my fictions with such a creation."

**Finish Times**

_Isaac and Mia – 8:05pm_

_Hsu and Feizhi - 8:22pm_

_Kay and Saturos – 8:40pm_

_Dullahan and Sheba – 9:11pm_

_King Hydros and Piers – 9:15pm_

_Garet and Ivan – 9:21pm_

_Alex and Felix – 10:32pm_

_Jenna and Kraden – 11:17pm_

_Flint and Echo – 12:20pm_

_Justin and Megan – 1:02am (Eliminated)_

_Hamma and Babi – 1:02am (Eliminated)_

**Next time on The Amazing Weyard Race:**

Has Isaac finally found proven that he holds no blood relation to Mia?

"We are NOT related!! In between legs, we have specifically gone through DNA testing! I HAVE THE PROOF RIGHT HERE!" Isaac declared, holding up an official-looking certificate.

Are cracks finally being revealed in Kay and Saturos's relationship?

"Roses!" yelled Saturos. "The scent, the texture... each one is a work of art!"

"What are you talking about? Daffodils are far superior to any rose in existence!"

"Roses!"

"Daffodils!"

"Roses!"

"Daffodils!"

"ROSES!"

"DAFFODILS!"

"DIE BITCH!!!" screamed Saturos hysterically, suffocating Kay against a wall.

And Dullahan and Sheba try to catch up on the highly clichéd lost mother-and-daughter time!

"Mum..." asked Sheba curiously. "Where do babies come from?"

All of this and so much more next time! Stay tuned!

* * *

Author note: My hair's not actually all that long. I am, however, beautiful~


End file.
